i've just realized that there were so many people that werent and were never genuine in my life or around me for that matter.

why are people afraid of the reality of life?

why when things really get to the "tell all" point you run scared and are hiding?
wtf are you hiding for? with your grown ass...ugh...smh

so i called my "ex-fiance" today to see what was up for my birthday, just to see if he wanted to chill...this is exactly how it went...

him::"yo"
me:: "thats how you answer your phone now?, "yo"?
him:: "**sigh** let me call you back"
me::"CLICK"

mind you... i was supposed to marry this man... on the 24th of this month...smh...
wow..
what have we resulted to? that?
what kind of man?

anyway...

i love rosamarie andrielle mccombs.
i've come to that conclusion...shes my wife..like really...
the love of my life.. shes the ONLY one who has loved me unconditionally for 7yrs off and on...my heart...i really love and live for that one...
and she knows that...

its a DAMN shame that it took me to almost be married and pregnant to figure that out. its just time to get her to me and make her a permanent fixture in my life...
and its coming...REAL SOON.

school starting soon... and i swear i cant wait...i hope that i get to go with all the things that i need and some of the things that i want.. **sigh** god knows and will of course make a way...

i shouldve come to ny in may...but i had to get shit done...

i have love for drake hes just my bestie...and thats all he'll ever be again in life...i'm about to be all about rosa if she'll let me.

its about to be some other shit..just wait...

i'm done...

-Chae.

Shut it down.

yea i'll use you.
yea if i feel like i can go back To what i know.
thats only if you ALLOW me to.


TML::was a rebound. for more than one person.
1 female and 1 male combined. he doesnt know that though.
he was getting all the things that i couldnt give to those 2.

i know that now.
im thinking that maybe those were the reasons that i treated him the way that i did, and do.

but now that the realization has come about i'm sure he no longer is needed here.
he served his purpose in the spring. but its summer.

and i am getting so hot i wanna TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF!!.
lol.

my first teenage love affair. thats what it was.

and now its time to move along with the adults.
they say you prepare someone for someone else. and i prepared him for the rest of his life.

but.

whatever.

those are usually the ones that come back to you at some point in life.
and i'm just gonna move on.

unless little skylar decides she wants to come into the world.

this summer is mine..

melissa and rosa are my conquests. if i dont get either one. thats cool
but uhm.
yea.

just gonna be single and chill...

in my 23rd year.

Fin.

Chronological Emo.

August 2009,

I saw the i.d. on the silver countertop...didnt think anything of it picked it up and kept it moving...figuring i'd see you again...and indeed i did...handed you your i.d. and you looked at me with those long eyelashes..ACTING bashful..lol i dont intimidate you. lol.

i didnt think of you in that light in any capacity...you were associated with an associate of mine, and i was on the verge of getting married. didnt think of you AT ALL!

January 2010,

the semester begins...and i'm not even thinking of you once again...but i see you in passing...LIGHT flirting, nothing major AT ALL...then. FEBRUARY..IT HAPPENS..

1 Night, 1 party, and LOTS of Flirting.and Touching,Words in Ears.
Its nothing because i'm the president and youre a "commoner" .HA.

after that i barely wanted conversation with you.

then...another day...and i see you..this time numbers are exchanged and all i can do is think...YOU'RE a CHILD.ha.


April/May 2010,

the emotions start "taking over"
constant conversation about you, youre literally in my bed EVERY NIGHT. and it comes to a point where i cant sleep without you. AT ALL i go through withdrawl heavy even when i dont breathe you.
**sigh**

everytime i see your face there is a slight sigh of relief, a slight piece of my day gets better, you made me that happy.
damn.

the smile doesnt ever leave my face, you are my prince..and i tell you that all the time.
you have an affect on me that no one person has had on me in a very long time.
damn.
18. ha.


June 2010,

My feelings for you are at an all time high...havent the slightest clue as to why...youre a douche bag...and i dont want you.ha. i dont even like you.
youre an ass.
but so am i
i need you to do better.
i WANT YOU TO DO BETTER
i need things to be better.
we're besties.
i'm the manager,
youre the client
and thats how its gonna be for as long as i want it to be.
she's 16.
and i'm not worried about her
i'm worried about you
and all the potential that you hold.
you are my drake.
my james.
my... Best friend.
My emotional support coach.
Mine.
Thats what you are.

Finished with this.

'Skylar Nicole Drake' that might be her name.
this is my life.
dont judge me.
fin.

understanding.

i know you love her, and you're in love...but what i dont understand is why you cant leave her if all these terrible things have happened, and here is where you want to be, and if here is the better place for you.


I need you to WANT to be here...i know you love me...and i know that you love the way that i treat you like the prince to my "princessness"..lol

you've made me thoroughly happy over the past 11 weeks...(wow thats it?) lol smh @ us...but the time we spend together is never ending...and thats how it should always be.

youve become a permanent temporary fixture in my heart mind and life...i can barely sleep without you...

my prince...

as soon as you lay next to me, our heartbeats sync to one another...thats how i KNOW youre mine...time will only tell...

ily tml...<3.

Love always ...

Cee.Pee.Dub.

So far gone...

the thoughts that are roaming through my mind right now aren't any bad thoughts...just thoughts of those of a certain young man that make the females go crazy.

drizzy my drizzy...thats all i have to say...i shouldnt have written an entire blog about this...but if you guys knew the entire situation of the evening then you would be able to understand whats going on...

good night...

Karma.

Shes bitchy and has nothing against anyone, except for the ones who do shit that they know they have no business doing.

I don't want phone calls, i don't want any text messages. i don't want anything from you. i don't want sympathy. i don't want you to feel like this is where you "shouldve" been. i shouldn't have to wait for your love.

i don't like speaking, when no one is listening . and i spoke, but you disregarded everything i said. that's what makes me the most irritated. there are so many things and ideas that i had and it seems like my assumptions were jokes. you lied and i knew you were i just didn't have the heart to admit that you would do the same thing that "he" did to me. it just makes me shake my damn head even harder. because you were the ONLY person to do something like this to me.

I cant necessarily even be mad at you, I'm more disappointed with ME and my naivete.

Someone who began to love me the same way you did, did this to me. but in my heart i swore you were different. WHY?. Why did i give someone that i JUST met that much credit. WHY did i end up loving you Way more than you gave a fuck about me. this is and was all way to much for me.

but your favorite saying was " i live for you " i knew that was a lie when you started answering my missed phone calls with text messages. "I'm busy" "I'm sleep, call you when i wake up" and all of those lies turned into you disappearing from my life. from my heart. there was never a reason that i should have been this hurt. but i wasn't hurt. i was disappointed in you. and the man that i thought you were. the man you appeared to be.

i guess i need to stop giving people so much credit hunh?

Fuck it.

life goes on. just stop fucking calling me.

comin' from where I'm from.

So,

I was supposed to be writing this about my future husband, and my beautiful family to come, but I'm here writing about the non existence of those things. They use to exist in my world, be prevalent and strong, now its nothing and just ...blah. I'm now writing about the "new" men in my life.....(Smmfh) just that fast right? Gotta bounce back can't stay stagnant...that way you don't get anywhere in life. Anywhoo, the line up is as follows...

1.) "Q"
2.)Kevin
3.)Byron
4.)Black
5.)Devonda

Ok so the first runner up is definitely the main objective...he used to and still does belong to someone else, but that person isn't putting up enough effort for the sake of the relationship...its just phone conversation-WHACK- anyway...he's digging me and I'm diggin him w/o question, I'm just waiting for the right opportunity to spring up and just bite me in the face.

Second runner up is a ginormous crush, lol(blush face)
He's beautiful and young, athletic, and just overall dollface, I enjoy ignoring him and his constant attempts to now redeem my attention...its cute...lol. Maybe one day.

3rd- he's YOUNG, great eyes beautiful lips, great future, and a dork! Lol that's the best part...but very mature...maybe something can happen...we'll see.

4th- he's just a smash and dash thing I've been doing for a longtime before I met my ex fiancé, he loves me, but I don't love him. He's grown...NAH.

And last but nor least is a beautiful young man, cocky but smooth, anywhoo...things are really just easing out for me...I'm closing the chapter in my heart with antonio. I didn't mean to fall in love with him... I didn't want to. He fell in love with me. And woo'd his way right into my heart...and at that point there was nothing that I could really do about it. I'm just healing that wound on my heart and moving on. Marriage wouldve been nice, but I'm not ready, and neither is he. He has somethings that he needs to get in order.

I love the way that I'm living my life, no longer abusing love for my own high and when I come down or am going through withdrawal I want to blame love for the fucked up feelings that I have...

Slowly. Surely...

Goodnight...

Chantel