so many things that are needed to be said....i feel like screaming...there is no other feeling than that.
My head is killing me,my headache is pretty bad...
i think he really wants to be with mefor the rest of his life. hes been clinging to me for the past few days...up underneath me pretty bad..he wouldnt let me sleep last night and this morning...

my neck hurts now...idk why...i hate this...whatev's (lol got that from sharda') by the way shes really cool....dig her...just a bit...shhhhh...dont tell nobody though...lol im out of here...im sleepy...and i need some sleep....

Good Night All....

Cherrelle....only for tonight

blank title bar...

well.. havent decided what i'm feeling right now...

i feel great seriously i do...but it also seems like my hearts not in whatever i'm going thru...i dont know what that means ...lol wow...my brain is scattered...

sat in the hospital with him last night.that sickle cell shit fucks me up, i want to be able to help the pain, but even when i rub him the pain still stays i dont understand it.


i didnt feel anything. i didnt allow myself to. i tired of that situation. so i've decided to be done with it.


jason. has become an asshole.

i've figured out why i dont want to leave him.

i dont want to leave him and have nothing. like no love. no compassion. but i think he blocking my blessings. but i havent come to that complete conclusion yet.i dont know what to think of it anymore.

i want so badly for things to get better in my life and i think they are progressively..thanks god.

i think that i've been robbed of a religion. or a choice. i'm not very "churchy" or very religious...my family is but not really.it was forced when i was little and i enjoyed it. but as i got older my mother never forced it. and it was never a "oh you have to go" thing. and i feel lost... i dont know what to do.

all i can do is pray.and continue to ask for some sort of guidance.

i wanna cut my hair. but i wanna add something to it for a while before i decide to do that.

eye.dee.kay...

anyways...so i got my phone...its cute...i really wanted the blackberry but whatever...maybe i'll upgrade later in life.

i'm proud of my personal growth. and the things that i've learned about me. i think that this is what i needed before i decided to do the thing that i was thinking about doing before i came to school.

I need to start going to class more. i really do.
i'm just tryin to get used to this change and growth feeling.
whatever.
My life my time...
God puts people in your life when he feels they're needed.

this person from my past really has changed. and wants me to see so bad.
but i'm not really feeling that right now.
i'm in my life alone.
no one but me...
i need to get used to that feeling.
i need to get a tighter grasp on my emotions.
cause like i told a friend
i'm the spokesperson for it. really.
anyways. i need to wash clothes and my ass...
i'm going...


p.s.- i use the "dots" alot and i wonder how i started doing that...
whatever...

my bff also just walked in with michelle this is really my crew...me, bunni, adrienne, and 'chellie gotta love them...


good night all.

Children

to me are the most precious thing on this earth until they turn 17-18 and then they think that they can pretty much do what they want and no one can tell them anything...lol i remember that age.
Anyway...

My current significant other and i just recently decided that we wanted to talk about children, which took a turn for the worst for me. I've known him for 4 yrs and counting(very slowly) but as many times that we've been in and out of a relationship the conversation of children never came up *surprisingly...* until yesterday.

He received a text message from a "friend" that asked"If your one of your children was gay would you be mad?" He then proceeded to scream and rant and say "hell yea"...and then on to say that he would "kill his son" and "put him out of his misery" which at that point disturbed my soul to the point of no return.

In my mind all i could think was,"how could that thought even come across your mind?" and"how can you think of your children and say that YOU want to physically kill them?"what kind of person would that make you? Would that make you a better parent?.and in his eyes he believes that he would be a great parent for"doing that for his son".

If anyone could have heard the coldness in his voice, it gave me chills. it felt like i was on the phone with a mass murderer. I hate feeling like i cant say what i want to someone that I'm with. and at that point i felt uncomfortable as fuck. and that i couldn't say shit.

He wants so much to love me..but you couldn't love OUR gay children?...what kind of man are you is all i could ask.
what could even begin to possess you to say a thing like that?..
i don't even understand...
maybe its me and the way that i was raised.
but i don't feel like he should any longer be a part of my life behind that...
i took offense to it because i myself LOVE WOMEN and he knows this..so for him to say that...appalls me...
my soul is still very much disturbed....

Maybe at this point its god telling me to leave him alone.

my roommate is pissing me off and she supposed to be my bff... but shes just feeling herself a little too much tonight... I'm gonna let her live tonight because I'm REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD like really... and shes hitting all the right fucked up spots...and I'm not into it tonight...at all...
well...


I'm off now...

Cherrelle tonight..


p.s.-awesome is really awesome to me now...like really awesome...lol :-D

is there any such thing as bus lag...

Well,

Just came back from limestone college in NC...i guess...my mind is in a million places right now...
I'm thinking of the man that i love...and that loves me...but my mind is wandering to a place about someone else...someone that i shouldn't even be thinking about like that...

Its weird..like I've only known this person for a little while now...maybe a few weeks...
if that..
uhm...

They're really cool...i dig the personality of this person ALOT...we have alot of things in common and we have a great conversation...from what i think...and idk...it feels weird to think i like someone...whatever...

anyways...I'm still trying to get over this damn cold...

its in my chest now...and i HATE THAT...ohdee...

i cant wait to go home so my mommy can take care of me...YAY MOMMY!!! lol loser i know...

Damn this shit is ill...i don't know people...but i tend to think i like someone that I've only known a little while...UGH!!!
ANYWAYS...
and just lately I've been anticipating getting back to my room to talk to this person...almost daily unless I'm not in the mood for people...and even then i feel comfortable enough to talk to them about my issues...
whatever...maybe its my mind playing tricks on me...

good night all...sleep good everyone...

Chantel...

P.S.- Damn Chris brown for laying the pimp hand down on rihanna...lol

Just Me and my cold...

There is nothing that i can do at the moment...but be myself...i'm not too sure if this thing with this man is going to work...he's not doing anything for me...he's doing nothing for us. Period. that i know of.
he tells me all the time that this is going to work...because he's been in love with me since day one...





She posted some new pictures on myspace. I'm Still in love with her. damn. she still lights up my life damn...i love her...until the casket drops. period.



She has my life in her hands...all she has to do is say "i want to do this right and for real with you this time...but i dont know whatever...she'll never say that...so i'm not gonna get my hopes up...

i dont know what to think any longer... my brain is on freeze...this cold is killing me...i have to sing at this damn gala tomorrow...and i have to sing at this damn homecoming... i dont know what i'm gonna do...

whatever...

Peace all...

Chantel..