I'm ready to be your wife.

oh.em.gee.
havent blogged in a few days and i feel a little withdrawl..lol

so many different things going on thru my head. so many random meaningful thoughts.

this man.
beautiful.
talented.
smart.
LOVES HIS FAMILY.
goal oriented.
wonderful dad.
wonderful man.
damn.
you meet the best people in the strangest places.lol.

if i tell him that i want to be married right now. he'll come to me and marry me right now. without the slightest second thought. lol wow.

what makes people fall in love with me?
what makes them love me?
all i ever hear is that its just "me". lol whatever that means. idk.
lol.

I'm getting mentally prepared to head back to denmark tech.
its going to be a mentally easy ride. i think. just ready to get back to it. graduate and head on to the next thing.

why am i so set in my ways about what i want my life to be?

maybe because, i'm not settling for anything less than what i deserve.

i know that i want that beautiful home with a beautiful yard. and a dog or two, children maybe 2-3 and a happy home life. a loving home life. a secure home. successful home. a blessed home.
a loving husband. and a successful and strong,and stable marrige.

I just turned 22. lol why do i want to be married with children?

i've made an impact on peoples lives. without me knowing it. i've saved peoples lives. i've made an impact. but those were never my intentions. ever. i just know what it feels like sometimes or as a child i just didnt know and always showed up.
they say that it takes a village to raise a child...lol my village was pretty small but extremely strong. i want to thank those people that have helped me along the way to be the loving,caring, compassionate woman that i am now. thank you.

i'm losing people who i thought were my friends. we're on different paths in life.
i know that i cant stay in one place for the rest of my life in the same environment, no one can grow that way. i have to be out and continue to know that there are things out there bigger than me. as long as i know that i'll never EVER be stagnant in life.

i have to continue to grow. i HAVE to. its no longer a choice.
there arent enough dollars in the world to trade the things that i've learned in the last 22 years. the rights, the wrongs, the mistakes that i as a woman had to own up to. accept and move with in order to keep pushing.

i love children but i'm glad that at the moment that i dont have any.
i'm letting go of all the people from my past that didnt and still dont do anything for me.
i'm letting rosa do her own thing. she has her own growing to do. cant dwell.
letting jonathan do whatever it is that he thinks that he needs to do to feel better about himself.
i've let melissa go slowly. i cant hold on to that...shes a great person i'm just not the one for her.

all the other stragglers fell off...i cant let someone ride the coattails of my heart if theyre going to continue to try and hurt me.

I'm going to be successful. i'm going to be happy. i'm going to have all the things that i desire in life. and nothing is gonna stop that process. NOTHING . so ...on that note.
god bless.
good night people.


.chan.

Mary how could you go?

ok..so for the past 2 days my mind and heart has been transfixed on this one man. i know that i always run that same shit about how "hes the one...and i cant believe that i've found him, the one i've been waiting for my whole life " and all that...I'm not gonna say that this time. at all.
i'm letting things happen.
Building foundation.
so that my dream home can really be happy.
he's made some bad choices in life and owns up to them.
and from what i understand wont lie about anything.
he wanted to tell me everything before things got in too deep.

When i asked about the plans for the future he said all the things that i want.
family, successful career, financially stable, happy, and included me.lol.
Now if anyone knows about some game running its me! lls
and i cant seem to wrap my brain around the magnitude of this man.
Great father.
Great man.
Just open hearted.
Geniune.
Sweet.
Funny.
loves his family.
Can admit to his faults and mistakes in life.
I dont know what these next few months will bring.
But i promise i hope that it brings him and i closer.
help to solidify things.
a great foundation. makes and creates a lovely home.
we'll see where life takes me these next few months.

Hopefully into the arms of a great man.
for the rest of my life.

.chan.

No matter how far.

My life has a funny/weird way of showing me the things that i need and don't need in my life. it shows me my faults and strengths when i don't even want to deal with it. When I'm not ready to do certain things, when I'm comfortable in my own space it just comes in a smacks the shit out of me like i did something horribly wrong.

Why now in my life?

My 22nd birthday was yesterday. I don't feel like a 22 year old. I've always felt like a grown ass woman since about 16. i had to raise me. my mother was doing her own soul searching. and in turn i had to do my own. and on my own. with little help and still a small amount of help from her. i love my mother dearly. but she'll NEVER understand the life that i live. my mind is so much more open than hers.

This nigga wants to marry me.
lol.
be serious dude.

People tell me all the time that when love comes(real love) I'm gonna run from it and laugh at it.
but i know he's young and i know that i never even intended on entertaining him and his antics, but hes a young vibrant man that wants alot...but as i was told and i stress to him. you're not going to want the things that you wanted at 19 at 25 no where near. but his back story doesn't prove him to want anything but love, and attention, no affection nor attention from a mother figure in his life.

and no real feeling of family or stability. so I'm guessing that things will eventually come out as they usually do.

I love myself.

i love the things that i have completed in life already and that i will complete in the future.

there is nothing like self accomplishment.

nothing like someone being proud of you. but even more so you being proud of you.

I've never been one to dwell in the moment. i do it. get it done. and move on. why hold on to one moment when you can make so many more.

I'm getting myself mentally prepared to take on these new endeavors.

I'm really ready to go back to school. not back to the bullshit but back to the grind of school. the actual work ethic of it. the accomplishment.

the final destination. being a Graduate.

ok.

enough for today.

i'm out pandora is calling me.lol.
and so is my CARVEL ICE CREAM BIRTHDAY CAKE.

bye.

.chan.