I wait for the day

All i want is for my family to be happy. and for the times in my life to be at least
"okay".

I've been fighting an internal battle with myself for a few years now.

I cant wait to be married and have children. But the thought of marriage scares me sometimes. Being with the same person for the rest of my life with no holds barred. just being. being yourself, nothing held back. seeing you when you wake up with morning breath and all. scarf on your head. you cant "get ready" and make yourself look beautiful for that person. But marriage entails in some aspects that that person loves you for all of those reasons AND more.

Why are people so superficial?

why is light skin the best way to go for some? and why is it OK for you to raise your children to think that that's OK. and not see the beauty in all persons including themselves. There are so many children with insecurities and most times all they needed was someone to tell them that they love them.
My heart is big, and i see that beauty in everyone. I see the hurt in most peoples eyes.

As much as i want to be with one person, i cant help sometimes but to talk to other people...sometimes... i need that "attention" (ashamed) all the time.
I don't like to feel like I'm alone. and i know that I'm not most times. i know that someone loves me, and i love myself. but. i don't know. that's the excuse that i give myself.

My boyfriend is one of the best men that I've met in a long time. i don't feel like i deserve him. and i know that in some way god is going to show me that i either need to stop dealing with some people, or take him away from me. and i don't want nor need that. i love this man. but it seems like i can't hold on to him sometimes. but i know he's not going anywhere. because he tells me hes not. He in love with me and I'm in love with him, but what is this that i feel like i cant do...

I listened to him and i listen to him talk about the way he feels about his daughter, and the love and happiness that surrounds that makes my heart melt into a puddle of happiness. he loves his baby and his nephews and his family. but i asked him if he was going to feel the same way about our children that we'll have in the future, he said "of course, why wouldn't i?" and i just told him that i was asking a question.
I'm in love for real this time.

I think that the feelings that i had for Jonathan were so strong because those feelings grew over time. Those 11 months of us being and getting to know one another was one of the best relationships that I've ever been in. There was respect there for one another and the each others feelings. And even though there was some bullshit at the end there was and still is a genuine love and respect there.
I'm drained now,...

I've said all that i could.

Until next time.
Peace & Love.
Chantel

circle of life.

Everyone deserves a second chance.
That's my motto in life, never just shut someone down because of their past activities. i cant hold you in a permanent prison of grudge because of your past. everyone has one. so why do people hold on to things regardless of how bad it is.

My Heart is big. I'm a stickler for dusting off and trying again.

A man that i call my "in and out dad" is slowly entering back into the picture, and my family is trying to get me to stay away from him or keep him at arms length. and i don't want to feel as though I'm neglecting someone that needs or wants me to be apart of their lifeless life.

He has no children, and I'm his only sense of child, he's even expressed to me that i was his only sense of joy, ever in life... i made him straighten up a little. not completely but i calmed him down and my mom can attest to that. I just want that male figure in my life and he has come in at a great time where things are changing for me and I'm transitioning into a Grown ass woman and i need someone to {a man} to place some different ground in there... just a different pace of thought. And i love the thoughts that i have of him. he treats me like his little princess. and that i am. lol. but why not bring joy to someones life when they need it. not deny them that because of their past.

The love that surrounds me makes me a happier person. I love my Boyfriend. In love with him. but in some aspects extremely afraid of him hurting me and leaving me. but he keeps reassuring me that he's not going anywhere. and He's just as unsure about my being faithful as i am about his. We're gonna be together forever. i know it. this man loves me without limits. and i know that i love him without out any barriers or limits. he's my everything, he and his little princess. I cant wait to meet her. shes a great kid. and he loves her so i know i will too.

I've gotta go now.
Take care all. And remember.

Love without limits and barriers, because once someone tells you, you cant and you shouldn't then you've just given up on love.

.Chan.