I wait for the day

All i want is for my family to be happy. and for the times in my life to be at least
"okay".

I've been fighting an internal battle with myself for a few years now.

I cant wait to be married and have children. But the thought of marriage scares me sometimes. Being with the same person for the rest of my life with no holds barred. just being. being yourself, nothing held back. seeing you when you wake up with morning breath and all. scarf on your head. you cant "get ready" and make yourself look beautiful for that person. But marriage entails in some aspects that that person loves you for all of those reasons AND more.

Why are people so superficial?

why is light skin the best way to go for some? and why is it OK for you to raise your children to think that that's OK. and not see the beauty in all persons including themselves. There are so many children with insecurities and most times all they needed was someone to tell them that they love them.
My heart is big, and i see that beauty in everyone. I see the hurt in most peoples eyes.

As much as i want to be with one person, i cant help sometimes but to talk to other people...sometimes... i need that "attention" (ashamed) all the time.
I don't like to feel like I'm alone. and i know that I'm not most times. i know that someone loves me, and i love myself. but. i don't know. that's the excuse that i give myself.

My boyfriend is one of the best men that I've met in a long time. i don't feel like i deserve him. and i know that in some way god is going to show me that i either need to stop dealing with some people, or take him away from me. and i don't want nor need that. i love this man. but it seems like i can't hold on to him sometimes. but i know he's not going anywhere. because he tells me hes not. He in love with me and I'm in love with him, but what is this that i feel like i cant do...

I listened to him and i listen to him talk about the way he feels about his daughter, and the love and happiness that surrounds that makes my heart melt into a puddle of happiness. he loves his baby and his nephews and his family. but i asked him if he was going to feel the same way about our children that we'll have in the future, he said "of course, why wouldn't i?" and i just told him that i was asking a question.
I'm in love for real this time.

I think that the feelings that i had for Jonathan were so strong because those feelings grew over time. Those 11 months of us being and getting to know one another was one of the best relationships that I've ever been in. There was respect there for one another and the each others feelings. And even though there was some bullshit at the end there was and still is a genuine love and respect there.
I'm drained now,...

I've said all that i could.

Until next time.
Peace & Love.
Chantel