shouldnt i be loving me more?

damn...i dont know if i should love me more or not...i'm tryin to understand why i dont love me more...and why i dont believe that anyone could love me the way that i love me.

damn do i love me?...do i make things easy for myself?...do i make shit hard because i dont want to be hurt?..i've been told that i'm mean to people that like me for the past few days...i dont want anyone to think that i'm mean or an asshole...
I know of a few people that like me ...that have shown me that they like me...but i have a feeling that if i put my time into that, i wont get shit out of it but heartache.

i dont know what to think of love, or loving me...i dont know ...i guess that the person that loves me only loves me to kill time...but i dont know...

someone kissed me last night...

lol and i'm still in shock...VERY MUCH IN SHOCK i dont know why
whatever...

i'm done...i have to be for right now...

Chantel

killing me softly...

Well what a day this has been...and the past few days...today i cried for the first time in a really long time.
I dont usually talk to anyone about my past...and the things that have happened to me...either that or no one is there to listen...and now that i realize that i have some issues to sort out, i think i'll get on it..but when is the question?...The conversation that i had today shaped alot of things in my mind. it helped me to slightly understand that the things in my past would have left most unstable and weak..but these things have made me strong and very stable.

I want cosby.
Period.
And i think that i have the perfect person to give it to me.
and that person just might do the job.
i'm hoping that they will.
I love you j.b.g.
always and forever.

anyways. in other black news...

**wow**
My best friend jonathan just called...
His grandmother passed away about an hour ago...
Damn...R.I.P. i didnt know who she was...but i know she was very special to him...

I love you jonathan and i'm going to keep you in my prayers.

i think thats the end...
For tonight.
Good Night all and god bless...

to be real, got to be real...

Well,
its been a few days since i've written, and i've tried to stay afloat in my feelings...but damn its hard..and the more i try the harder things get for me and the things that are going on...

Oh!.. i finally took my nails off!! thank god!! it feels great to be able to feel my actual fingernails...lol random i know.

watching this choir dance is hilarious...like really...MY choir..lol what a bunch of lames..lol wow...

my campus friend- the feeling is gone...they no longer catch my interest...its not there anymore...
well for me anyway...

the hospital love...well... that one just seems to come and go with feelings with me...i see them daily but the feelings that are there make me feel like an asshole for liking them I want so badly for me not to have any kind of feeling in my heart for them...but it seems like i cant escape it...WHY LORD!! WHY LOL

maybe its the fact that there are things attached to me;that are attached to we....what is this...the very touch of this person sends me to another place...whatever...

My Phone is still not here... I WANT MY BLACKBERRY!!! OH.EM.GEE!!!

i want some ice cream...a vanilla cone from mcdonalds...lol..oooooo....ice cream...ooooo...lol


I miss my mom...
alot...
like a whole lot...

i miss my sister...

alot..

My specialness went away when my father left...and i dont want to work to be special anymore..

Chantel....

Just Friends...

When will we get the time to be just friends?...Great song...

amy always soothes my soul...leaves my mind thinking..and my soul wandering...

i sat down in my eng. class and wrote down most of the things that were going on in my mind...and this is what i've come up with:

My life is mine...*damn love is a losing game is playing now...wow..thought change*...

To know me...literally is to love me...and it doesnt get any better than me...like really...not to be on my own shit, but to be on my own shit, I'm the shit..lol like really...and i know that me loving even the assholish of assholes will make them think damn, this bitch really does give a fuck...

all i ever tell anyone is"all i can be is me..take it or leave it.." and that always seems to in the long run, bring a surmountable amount of people to want to be friends with me...i love the fact that i can have that affect on someones life...just by being myself...

I'm dying my hair jet black again...it makes me look FABULOUS!!

i'm being a bitch this evening...idk why..i just am...whatever...

So my main squeeze decided to call this evening after i called last night at 12:06 and asked to be called back...i just got a call back this evening at about 930-945...i think in my mind that im done with them...its a wrap for me...well in my mind anyways...

I've learned to love me more...a whole lot more....

80% 20% rule...damn what a great rule...

I'm Out...

Cherrelle...

Why Random?

Well what a lovely evening and day that this has been...

First- i find out that someone i used to like 3 yrs ago, thinks that they fucked up and want to do it over..they want to "do it right this time" lol wow...my question is should i let them?...like really,

Second- a very very good friend of mine told me that they liked me..and still do...and asked me if i ever thought about me and them seriously getting together...lol hell yea i used to think about it...i miss them with just the thought...of them being here...makes me smile..lol :-D oh.dee.lol

Third-i still have this great person on campus that i would be able to see daily...but will i see them when i leave here is the question...

and last but not least...my likkle main squeeze is acting like an asshole...and why should i follow them up and the pattern is going how it normally does...just waiting for the first real lie to come out their mouth...

I'm a good woman...but i dont want people to have to wait until late in life to realize that i was always the better choice...all that extra grief you get from the next bitch you wont get from me...but whatever...I tried to told you..lol is all i can ever say...but

i'm tired of showing you the way to my heart and you lose the directions on your way in...i only give them out once.

Enteeways...

My Best friend is conversing with someone that i feel in my heart is no good for her...i want her to do better than this girl and she and i know that she can...i dont like that this little girl can open her lips to even speak to my bff let alone hold a conversation...but i cant want better my bff than she wants for herself...all i can do is love her and be supportive...

Anyways...

Love you blog reader

sometimes i just need to vent out random thoughts...and people usually ask..well" Why Random?"

Rubbing my eyes...

cause i'm a little sleepy and i think i have allergies...lol. not too sure as of yet which one it is but its one. been in o-burg for the past 2 nights.got some really good sleep, that was much needed.

its hot in my room..well not really but its hot enough...random..enteeways..


this person, that i had "something" with a little ways back is beginning to notice that i no longer give a fuck, and i think thats bothering them...damn suga...its not that serious....whatever..

there was a game today..and again denmark tech lost..lol wow...never in my life..anyway...i miss my family and i miss my mom..i miss my friends..like alot.!..

from my understanding there is someone also from my past that is looking for me. they're in NY i have no clue what they want from me... like really.. i dont...we'll see when they call... just waiting patiently to see what it is...



Well i think its just allergies that were bothering my eyes...gotta go find some visine or something...

i cant hear the music..

Cause the radio isn't on and i want to get up and cut it on i just don't feel like it..lol lazy i know.

My roommate the one that isn't my best friend is becoming quite rude...slamming doors when I'm asleep, and not being "roommate friendly", and i don't want to have to curse her out just yet, and if i do I'm wrong though?!... nah not even...

I'm still debating on if i should wear sweatpants today...its really cold out and i want to wear something that will keep me warm...

definitely just went through the Cd's and came across some good ole' Jamie foxx...it seems nice..the first time i heard the CD...I'm just gonna let the notes flow through the room and see which ones hit my ears..

still thinking about my conversation with my Internet Buddie...lets just call her awesome... cause i might begin to speak of her often...not too sure yet and if i do then we'll name her awesome...yea..that fits her...

en.tee..ways...

My clock is really bright at night..i thought that clocks were supposed to be sleep friendly..and not keep you up at night...but that bright ass blue neon light keeps me up to the point of where i cant sleep and i have to cover it with something...that suck cause if i roll over in the middle of the night i cant just look at the clock i have to move whatever it is that covered it with and then be blinded by the light that might disturb my initial sleep in the first place...so i don't look at the time until i wake my ass up.. lol

I wonder sometimes what really makes people like me...like what makes me cool?...what makes someone what to be around me...and what makes them feel like they HAVE to be my friend.
I'm not that popular...that i would think...I'm a lame..lol i like to do shit that regular cool kids don't like to do..like watch the golden girls...and Frasier...and i love Seinfeld and basketball... like I'm so in love with basketball and regular girls don't.. i guess..lol

Maybe that makes me irregular...hey..whatever..it just might and I'm content with that...

I'm gonna guess that I'm gonna go and get dressed now...
Smooch Deuces...

Chantel..for now..

The saga begins here...

Well, its def. 4:36 in the morning...and i have no idea as to why i'm up still, i NEED REST!! lol

I'm beginning this thing because i've always wanted to and now that i have the opportunity to do so i'm going to...it was a very interesting evening.

i began a conversation with an friend that i met online...shes really cool. damn near too cool she likes to color...and shes got this love affair going on with sneakers like I...damn..she cooks too and bakes...you make the weirdest friends at the weirdest times...i know i do..

anteeways...

i miss my mommy oh.dee.
cant wait to go home...and i cant wait to take these damn nails off too..its becoming to difficult to type...

no class tomorrow..well today and i'm so glad...nothing on tuesday and thursdy until feb...
the shit!!
anyways i think my sleep just kicked in...

I'm going now...my ear is bothering me...i dont know why...whatever

Sleep good all..

Chantel