soon.

there was once a point in this relationship where i could live without him.

now it feels like i cant breathe...i cant think, without his vocal approval over my day. And i dont know why. there was a point where it didnt bother me that i could go 4-5 days without him.

now i can barely go 1 (smdh).

there are feelings that i have equated with our love. feelings of completion, fullness, contentment, and being loved.

I know that i love me, that isnt a question in my mind, but when youre so used to someone expressing themselves so much, and in the way that he tells me(every 5 damn mins.) and then go from that to nothing. is just. wow. why now? why at this point in my life when i feel like i need so much and so many emotional issues are going on. i dont feel like his queen anymore. when i know that i am. and he my king, but why now? i dont like questioning god and his tests, or his actions. BUT, why now? i know that life isnt always what we all expect it to be. but why do we do so much work for what seems like nothing sometimes.

Building relationships,and homes for someone and usually ONE person only, to come in and destroy it?.

End it all, just because of their own selfishness. I dont want to be so territorial when it comes to my home and children, and family, but i feel like its my duty to protect the people around me from the bullshit of the ignorant people of the world.

But once you do that it just gives someone else the fuel to come in and WANT to tear it all down because its something that they dont have and dont want to acquire.

I dont want to shelter any of my family my children. anything.

(sigh) that part is done. i dont have anything left to do but cry.


there is too much clutter in my life. as i sit i'm on the bed that i sleep on looking across at the other bed...and the floor...and its a MESS for lack of a better word. i need to sweep, and clean and mop....just everything..and i really dont feel like it. i'm just UGH!

wtf is this?...

I cant wait until things get easier.

My horoscope said that things will get calmer soon enough... just be patient...wait it out.

and it seems like i cant wait...i'm just ready for the next part of my life...ready for new things to happen.

I'm 22 yrs old with what seems like nothing but everything accomplished.

I'm S.G.A President of my school, i'm the leader, people are following me and my actions, what i do and what the people in the government are doing...and i dont feel like i'm living up to the title that i've been given...Ugh!!i'm tired...

I'm done for now...

I need to cry and cleanse myself...i have to...

the tears wont fall.

but somethings got to give...
god's gonna fix it and work it out..i have to trust in him that all things will get better.

chantel.

untitled

There arent many things that can defeat me...i usually take things by the reigns and just GO for it...but...lately i havent been giving anything my all. I've just been doing. I just want to move on to the next step in my life... the next college. the next degree...things become redundant and i dont want to continue to do shit like that...I'm ready to be a wife and mother, have a wonderful job and wonderful home. a wonderful family. and it doesnt seem like its coming fast enough... and this shit is gettin on my nerves...


My friend and i have a phone together. and the bill is now 550$ and i think he feels some kind of way about the bill being that high...but everytime i see this nigga..HE'S on the phone..wow...the way the world works...

I want things in my life to get better. i need to pray. more. and trust that god will make things ok. i love this life that i live and the way things are now they can only go up from here...

There are things in my life sometimes that i cant let go of...like; old flames and happy times of course. but i need to understand and realize that my life with this man is about to begin, and flourish...I love and appreciate him a great deal, i truly cant wait to be his wife.

Life. it comes day by day,
PERIOD.

chantel

the love.

the emptiness.

the vulnerablity.

the past.

the time.

the space.

i'm in love with the most beautiful man on the face of this earth.

his heart is so pure.

he just wants to protect his family.

I've been reading "Midnight" by sistah souljah, this book, has made the most mark on my outlook on life that i've ever read in life. its not like i'm a child and reading it just because. but this book makes me want to be a GREAT wife. be loyal and honest and true to the man that i love. there is a quote in the book that says "if a woman loves her husband she will follow him into a mudhut" that shit has stuck with me and in my mind. because...women AND men, believe that material is the most important thing in the world.

My own fiance' has said to me on many occasion that it doesnt matter where we are married or infront of whom. he just knows that at the end of it that he wants to be married to me and be able to spend the rest of his life with me.

i've fallen in love with a man that loves me genuinely. and if anyone attempts to harm me or disrespect me, he has a problem with that. he doesnt want outsiders around, nor be able to be as close to the point where they could do something of the ill sort.

Its a good feeling to know that someone loves me as such. I've been through a bad few but i've thankfully come across someone that loves me the way that i want them to. I have a MAN not someones child. that i have to raise, THANK GOD.

i love him.
Thank you for bringing him to me lord. i've been looking for him. and hes here finally.lol

i want jonathan to go away. leave my thoughts, leave my past. and leave my future. i dont want him to be able to connect with me. but i know that i have complete control over who gets to do that. i dont want anyone from my past to be able to come in and sense any kind of space and opportunity to do what they please.

i've given up hope on certain people. i just want to finish school, be with my husband, and be with my beautiful family.

I cry at random times. his love has consumed me. and i dont want to love anyone but him. NO ONE. he doesnt believe that i just want him. and i do. there is nothing that i want to do more than love him. and keep him happy. i want to be a wonderful wife, and mother. and friend. and i will be.

Thats all i can say.

i need to go and dry my tears some more.

Chantel.