intuition

I got this crazy feeling, I'm gon' be single again I know it, I can feel it.

Thanks keri for that lovely quote selection...**sigh** everyday I swear my emotions flip flop, that's why I know I'm the Spokeswoman for emotional...I just don't understand why heart does me like this. Lol but my heart tells me what's right and I know that I should listen, but then my mind starts running everywhere... They say your first reaction is the best one... But I second guess that. Why? **smgdh**
There is one man that I would love to spend the rest of my life with, and sadly enough to say its not the man that I'm with now. And I know that IF I was happy where I am I wouldn't ever even think of this man... Maybe every now and again...but, I'm not happy... And my mind is wandering...and now I'm getting thoughts about being with someone else... I can't wait for someone to get it together... you need to get it together now...I've known this man for atleast 9 yrs now...and haven't given him my all ever, but I always end up back @ square one with him...my love has never changed for him, I know that in my heart once I give him all of me, he'll have that TOTALLY...and it will be a wonderful life from there on out with him...idk what to think...I think I'm gonna let my heart lead the way...oh lord lead me to the right choices open heartedly

Oh. Geez..

Cherrelle today..

why'd you show me

The representative?, not just show me who you really and truly were.

A mask, is almost what it seemed like it was. But not solely a mask, a piece of a Beautiful man. a happy, peaceful, calm, content man, that had massive amounts of faith, in everything. Trustworthy, honest, and Open.

"Things Change, People Change." That's what you said. and out of the 2 people that were in that relationship I changed, only for the betterment of us. and I'm guessing you stayed the same, but changed all at the same time. As i said i met the Representative. so i didn't know the person who sits before me today...I don't know why I didn't pay attention before, but was i blinded by love? or the true heart of a man shined through so brightly that i couldn't see his flaws?

this love that i have in my heart for you isn't even remotely close to any kind of feelings in my heart that I've ever had for any human being on this earth. My love for you surpasses my sanity. and makes me want to truly lose my mind because i cant have you. I can barely breathe without you. my heart is in pain from the lack of love that you haven't given to me.

I know that i love you. and i know that you love me. but there are some areas in love and life that you need to work on. maybe you aren't ready for this MARRIAGE of 2 beautiful hearts, maybe you aren't truly ready for the lifetime commitment of love. "I live for you" those four words mean the world to me. My heart has been broken SO many times. is it my fault if what you were telling was lies?. the immaturity of my heart? the lessons taught, learned but not completely comprehended.

I just want so badly for you to open your eyes to the unconditional love that has been set before you, the honest, true, RAW love that has been offered to you but not sure if you understand that. but i cant be too concerned with what you re not seeing. if you honestly thought that i would hurt you, you were sadly mistaken.

I'm sorry for the women before me that hurt your feelings.
But.

I'm not her. and i cant hurt you. my heart wont allow me to.

our beautiful home in Harrisburg, pa has not slipped my mind at all. i can still picture our children. playing and waking up to you. forever. just knowing that this man that loves me and that i love is all so worth every moment of my life.
waking up to the smell of breakfast, and walking down my hardwood staircase to find my HUSBAND standing in the kitchen making me food. with the children still asleep. and as soon as you spot my face you saying " hey babe" ...

Will i still be able to have that with you ?
will our love and life be saved? or only if we both want it to...
or is it someone else that you'll be saying "hey babe" to...

soon.

there was once a point in this relationship where i could live without him.

now it feels like i cant breathe...i cant think, without his vocal approval over my day. And i dont know why. there was a point where it didnt bother me that i could go 4-5 days without him.

now i can barely go 1 (smdh).

there are feelings that i have equated with our love. feelings of completion, fullness, contentment, and being loved.

I know that i love me, that isnt a question in my mind, but when youre so used to someone expressing themselves so much, and in the way that he tells me(every 5 damn mins.) and then go from that to nothing. is just. wow. why now? why at this point in my life when i feel like i need so much and so many emotional issues are going on. i dont feel like his queen anymore. when i know that i am. and he my king, but why now? i dont like questioning god and his tests, or his actions. BUT, why now? i know that life isnt always what we all expect it to be. but why do we do so much work for what seems like nothing sometimes.

Building relationships,and homes for someone and usually ONE person only, to come in and destroy it?.

End it all, just because of their own selfishness. I dont want to be so territorial when it comes to my home and children, and family, but i feel like its my duty to protect the people around me from the bullshit of the ignorant people of the world.

But once you do that it just gives someone else the fuel to come in and WANT to tear it all down because its something that they dont have and dont want to acquire.

I dont want to shelter any of my family my children. anything.

(sigh) that part is done. i dont have anything left to do but cry.


there is too much clutter in my life. as i sit i'm on the bed that i sleep on looking across at the other bed...and the floor...and its a MESS for lack of a better word. i need to sweep, and clean and mop....just everything..and i really dont feel like it. i'm just UGH!

wtf is this?...

I cant wait until things get easier.

My horoscope said that things will get calmer soon enough... just be patient...wait it out.

and it seems like i cant wait...i'm just ready for the next part of my life...ready for new things to happen.

I'm 22 yrs old with what seems like nothing but everything accomplished.

I'm S.G.A President of my school, i'm the leader, people are following me and my actions, what i do and what the people in the government are doing...and i dont feel like i'm living up to the title that i've been given...Ugh!!i'm tired...

I'm done for now...

I need to cry and cleanse myself...i have to...

the tears wont fall.

but somethings got to give...
god's gonna fix it and work it out..i have to trust in him that all things will get better.

chantel.

untitled

There arent many things that can defeat me...i usually take things by the reigns and just GO for it...but...lately i havent been giving anything my all. I've just been doing. I just want to move on to the next step in my life... the next college. the next degree...things become redundant and i dont want to continue to do shit like that...I'm ready to be a wife and mother, have a wonderful job and wonderful home. a wonderful family. and it doesnt seem like its coming fast enough... and this shit is gettin on my nerves...


My friend and i have a phone together. and the bill is now 550$ and i think he feels some kind of way about the bill being that high...but everytime i see this nigga..HE'S on the phone..wow...the way the world works...

I want things in my life to get better. i need to pray. more. and trust that god will make things ok. i love this life that i live and the way things are now they can only go up from here...

There are things in my life sometimes that i cant let go of...like; old flames and happy times of course. but i need to understand and realize that my life with this man is about to begin, and flourish...I love and appreciate him a great deal, i truly cant wait to be his wife.

Life. it comes day by day,
PERIOD.

chantel

the love.

the emptiness.

the vulnerablity.

the past.

the time.

the space.

i'm in love with the most beautiful man on the face of this earth.

his heart is so pure.

he just wants to protect his family.

I've been reading "Midnight" by sistah souljah, this book, has made the most mark on my outlook on life that i've ever read in life. its not like i'm a child and reading it just because. but this book makes me want to be a GREAT wife. be loyal and honest and true to the man that i love. there is a quote in the book that says "if a woman loves her husband she will follow him into a mudhut" that shit has stuck with me and in my mind. because...women AND men, believe that material is the most important thing in the world.

My own fiance' has said to me on many occasion that it doesnt matter where we are married or infront of whom. he just knows that at the end of it that he wants to be married to me and be able to spend the rest of his life with me.

i've fallen in love with a man that loves me genuinely. and if anyone attempts to harm me or disrespect me, he has a problem with that. he doesnt want outsiders around, nor be able to be as close to the point where they could do something of the ill sort.

Its a good feeling to know that someone loves me as such. I've been through a bad few but i've thankfully come across someone that loves me the way that i want them to. I have a MAN not someones child. that i have to raise, THANK GOD.

i love him.
Thank you for bringing him to me lord. i've been looking for him. and hes here finally.lol

i want jonathan to go away. leave my thoughts, leave my past. and leave my future. i dont want him to be able to connect with me. but i know that i have complete control over who gets to do that. i dont want anyone from my past to be able to come in and sense any kind of space and opportunity to do what they please.

i've given up hope on certain people. i just want to finish school, be with my husband, and be with my beautiful family.

I cry at random times. his love has consumed me. and i dont want to love anyone but him. NO ONE. he doesnt believe that i just want him. and i do. there is nothing that i want to do more than love him. and keep him happy. i want to be a wonderful wife, and mother. and friend. and i will be.

Thats all i can say.

i need to go and dry my tears some more.

Chantel.

I wait for the day

All i want is for my family to be happy. and for the times in my life to be at least
"okay".

I've been fighting an internal battle with myself for a few years now.

I cant wait to be married and have children. But the thought of marriage scares me sometimes. Being with the same person for the rest of my life with no holds barred. just being. being yourself, nothing held back. seeing you when you wake up with morning breath and all. scarf on your head. you cant "get ready" and make yourself look beautiful for that person. But marriage entails in some aspects that that person loves you for all of those reasons AND more.

Why are people so superficial?

why is light skin the best way to go for some? and why is it OK for you to raise your children to think that that's OK. and not see the beauty in all persons including themselves. There are so many children with insecurities and most times all they needed was someone to tell them that they love them.
My heart is big, and i see that beauty in everyone. I see the hurt in most peoples eyes.

As much as i want to be with one person, i cant help sometimes but to talk to other people...sometimes... i need that "attention" (ashamed) all the time.
I don't like to feel like I'm alone. and i know that I'm not most times. i know that someone loves me, and i love myself. but. i don't know. that's the excuse that i give myself.

My boyfriend is one of the best men that I've met in a long time. i don't feel like i deserve him. and i know that in some way god is going to show me that i either need to stop dealing with some people, or take him away from me. and i don't want nor need that. i love this man. but it seems like i can't hold on to him sometimes. but i know he's not going anywhere. because he tells me hes not. He in love with me and I'm in love with him, but what is this that i feel like i cant do...

I listened to him and i listen to him talk about the way he feels about his daughter, and the love and happiness that surrounds that makes my heart melt into a puddle of happiness. he loves his baby and his nephews and his family. but i asked him if he was going to feel the same way about our children that we'll have in the future, he said "of course, why wouldn't i?" and i just told him that i was asking a question.
I'm in love for real this time.

I think that the feelings that i had for Jonathan were so strong because those feelings grew over time. Those 11 months of us being and getting to know one another was one of the best relationships that I've ever been in. There was respect there for one another and the each others feelings. And even though there was some bullshit at the end there was and still is a genuine love and respect there.
I'm drained now,...

I've said all that i could.

Until next time.
Peace & Love.
Chantel

circle of life.

Everyone deserves a second chance.
That's my motto in life, never just shut someone down because of their past activities. i cant hold you in a permanent prison of grudge because of your past. everyone has one. so why do people hold on to things regardless of how bad it is.

My Heart is big. I'm a stickler for dusting off and trying again.

A man that i call my "in and out dad" is slowly entering back into the picture, and my family is trying to get me to stay away from him or keep him at arms length. and i don't want to feel as though I'm neglecting someone that needs or wants me to be apart of their lifeless life.

He has no children, and I'm his only sense of child, he's even expressed to me that i was his only sense of joy, ever in life... i made him straighten up a little. not completely but i calmed him down and my mom can attest to that. I just want that male figure in my life and he has come in at a great time where things are changing for me and I'm transitioning into a Grown ass woman and i need someone to {a man} to place some different ground in there... just a different pace of thought. And i love the thoughts that i have of him. he treats me like his little princess. and that i am. lol. but why not bring joy to someones life when they need it. not deny them that because of their past.

The love that surrounds me makes me a happier person. I love my Boyfriend. In love with him. but in some aspects extremely afraid of him hurting me and leaving me. but he keeps reassuring me that he's not going anywhere. and He's just as unsure about my being faithful as i am about his. We're gonna be together forever. i know it. this man loves me without limits. and i know that i love him without out any barriers or limits. he's my everything, he and his little princess. I cant wait to meet her. shes a great kid. and he loves her so i know i will too.

I've gotta go now.
Take care all. And remember.

Love without limits and barriers, because once someone tells you, you cant and you shouldn't then you've just given up on love.

.Chan.

I'm ready to be your wife.

oh.em.gee.
havent blogged in a few days and i feel a little withdrawl..lol

so many different things going on thru my head. so many random meaningful thoughts.

this man.
beautiful.
talented.
smart.
LOVES HIS FAMILY.
goal oriented.
wonderful dad.
wonderful man.
damn.
you meet the best people in the strangest places.lol.

if i tell him that i want to be married right now. he'll come to me and marry me right now. without the slightest second thought. lol wow.

what makes people fall in love with me?
what makes them love me?
all i ever hear is that its just "me". lol whatever that means. idk.
lol.

I'm getting mentally prepared to head back to denmark tech.
its going to be a mentally easy ride. i think. just ready to get back to it. graduate and head on to the next thing.

why am i so set in my ways about what i want my life to be?

maybe because, i'm not settling for anything less than what i deserve.

i know that i want that beautiful home with a beautiful yard. and a dog or two, children maybe 2-3 and a happy home life. a loving home life. a secure home. successful home. a blessed home.
a loving husband. and a successful and strong,and stable marrige.

I just turned 22. lol why do i want to be married with children?

i've made an impact on peoples lives. without me knowing it. i've saved peoples lives. i've made an impact. but those were never my intentions. ever. i just know what it feels like sometimes or as a child i just didnt know and always showed up.
they say that it takes a village to raise a child...lol my village was pretty small but extremely strong. i want to thank those people that have helped me along the way to be the loving,caring, compassionate woman that i am now. thank you.

i'm losing people who i thought were my friends. we're on different paths in life.
i know that i cant stay in one place for the rest of my life in the same environment, no one can grow that way. i have to be out and continue to know that there are things out there bigger than me. as long as i know that i'll never EVER be stagnant in life.

i have to continue to grow. i HAVE to. its no longer a choice.
there arent enough dollars in the world to trade the things that i've learned in the last 22 years. the rights, the wrongs, the mistakes that i as a woman had to own up to. accept and move with in order to keep pushing.

i love children but i'm glad that at the moment that i dont have any.
i'm letting go of all the people from my past that didnt and still dont do anything for me.
i'm letting rosa do her own thing. she has her own growing to do. cant dwell.
letting jonathan do whatever it is that he thinks that he needs to do to feel better about himself.
i've let melissa go slowly. i cant hold on to that...shes a great person i'm just not the one for her.

all the other stragglers fell off...i cant let someone ride the coattails of my heart if theyre going to continue to try and hurt me.

I'm going to be successful. i'm going to be happy. i'm going to have all the things that i desire in life. and nothing is gonna stop that process. NOTHING . so ...on that note.
god bless.
good night people.


.chan.

Mary how could you go?

ok..so for the past 2 days my mind and heart has been transfixed on this one man. i know that i always run that same shit about how "hes the one...and i cant believe that i've found him, the one i've been waiting for my whole life " and all that...I'm not gonna say that this time. at all.
i'm letting things happen.
Building foundation.
so that my dream home can really be happy.
he's made some bad choices in life and owns up to them.
and from what i understand wont lie about anything.
he wanted to tell me everything before things got in too deep.

When i asked about the plans for the future he said all the things that i want.
family, successful career, financially stable, happy, and included me.lol.
Now if anyone knows about some game running its me! lls
and i cant seem to wrap my brain around the magnitude of this man.
Great father.
Great man.
Just open hearted.
Geniune.
Sweet.
Funny.
loves his family.
Can admit to his faults and mistakes in life.
I dont know what these next few months will bring.
But i promise i hope that it brings him and i closer.
help to solidify things.
a great foundation. makes and creates a lovely home.
we'll see where life takes me these next few months.

Hopefully into the arms of a great man.
for the rest of my life.

.chan.

No matter how far.

My life has a funny/weird way of showing me the things that i need and don't need in my life. it shows me my faults and strengths when i don't even want to deal with it. When I'm not ready to do certain things, when I'm comfortable in my own space it just comes in a smacks the shit out of me like i did something horribly wrong.

Why now in my life?

My 22nd birthday was yesterday. I don't feel like a 22 year old. I've always felt like a grown ass woman since about 16. i had to raise me. my mother was doing her own soul searching. and in turn i had to do my own. and on my own. with little help and still a small amount of help from her. i love my mother dearly. but she'll NEVER understand the life that i live. my mind is so much more open than hers.

This nigga wants to marry me.
lol.
be serious dude.

People tell me all the time that when love comes(real love) I'm gonna run from it and laugh at it.
but i know he's young and i know that i never even intended on entertaining him and his antics, but hes a young vibrant man that wants alot...but as i was told and i stress to him. you're not going to want the things that you wanted at 19 at 25 no where near. but his back story doesn't prove him to want anything but love, and attention, no affection nor attention from a mother figure in his life.

and no real feeling of family or stability. so I'm guessing that things will eventually come out as they usually do.

I love myself.

i love the things that i have completed in life already and that i will complete in the future.

there is nothing like self accomplishment.

nothing like someone being proud of you. but even more so you being proud of you.

I've never been one to dwell in the moment. i do it. get it done. and move on. why hold on to one moment when you can make so many more.

I'm getting myself mentally prepared to take on these new endeavors.

I'm really ready to go back to school. not back to the bullshit but back to the grind of school. the actual work ethic of it. the accomplishment.

the final destination. being a Graduate.

ok.

enough for today.

i'm out pandora is calling me.lol.
and so is my CARVEL ICE CREAM BIRTHDAY CAKE.

bye.

.chan.

New Message...new feelings..new heart..

This morning i wanted to roll over and see your face... Feel you next to me and just smile...snuggle up underneath your warmth and just be... I know that laughing with you is something that i look forward to...a great deal...you tell me that your t.v. Doesnt get my golden girls nor does it get the view...lol you might just watch it with me...if i ask nicely...lol wow...maybe i'm anticipating too much...too great of a time...but it just feels like i'm going to enjoy every single moment...with you...damn...with you...thats the only place i need to be...ever

blank thoughts crazed mind

he kissed me last night.


and it was weird this morning when i saw him.

i care about him alot.

and i know that he knows that this is where he needs to be.

he has a girlfriend.

i'm working on making things work with torre.

i dont know why shit like that always happens to me.

he was drunk when he did it.

they say that a drunk man speaks a sober mind.

maybe his mind was drunk too.

i dont want to like him.

i want him to want this when he's sober.

he lies to me.

to make me "feel better".

i knew what i was getting into when i got into this.

i dont need this now.

i want him though.

my thoughts are so random.

i want my dad to want to be a dad now.

my mom needs to grow up and stop trying to be so active in whats going on.

i'm going to athens. and i cant wait to get there.

i'm staying for a week.

i'm gonna wake up to him for a week.

thank god.

i get to feel his arms around me for a week.

and smell him for a week.

and snuggle.

and kiss him.

and just.

be.

what is this mind that i have.

i want so badly to understand why the people around me use me for their own personal use..and do it so selfishly and when i dont do what they want me to do, they get mad.

maybe if i just leave. things will be better.

i have the application for GA state on my dresser there. and everytime i move something. it stares at me...

like i'm guilty.

i know that i need to go.

so why do i stay?

maybe this happens for a reason.

maybe this is something that i need to happen.

maybe this is just a stepping stone for me to be better.

i'm gonna pass summer school with great grades.

i'm going to be great.

i just cant wait to go to athens.


.chan.

damn has it really been this long?

I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT GOING TO MY EX'S CRIB TO CHILL FOR A WEEK IN ATHENS, GA.

I HAD A WHOLE BLOG BUT IT GOT DELETED... SORRY GUYS...

CHERRELLE NOW!

Saturday March 21st 2009-March 22nd, 2009

So...this is the baby sis....shes the shit...love her oh.dee.....

Anyways...My life lately has been a bunch of ups and downs but i've been trying to make it all one stable terrain.

I'm trying to piece together what i can of this little life i call my own. People are coming in and out left and right. but i'm not sure if i can handle it sometimes, people and their emotions are really weird...and i always seem to take in all the backlash of it. 'Vette tells me that most situations are always in your favor...most times often then not you're preparing someone to be with someone else...which is what i've had to realize...and that as i'm sitting here typing this, i'm realizing...i prepared my ex girlfriend for her current girlfriend, they've been together for 3yrs...her and i just a few short months but in those few months i taught her and broke her of so many little habits and she was able to understand at the end of it all it wasnt always about her. but whatever...I'm really happy for her...she deserves it...Ily D.R.O

Anyway...thats how i feel most times now, i'm preparing people for someone else...when is someone else gonna prepare someone for me and send them on through..lol its crazy...anyway, I feel like that with "g.booberry" i feel like i'm helping them grow, they were very childish, immature, overbearingly full of themselves and just all around ignorant to some things...and thats ok...i guess..lol anyways...i've drawn in and withdrew myself..and when i say something and withdraw myself they always come back because my words are always worth it....and so am i...if i can get them away from themselves for a min.... and when i do which is sometimes...they seem to understand and know that i'm the best thing that has ever happened to them...but we'll see if i'm preparing them for someone or for me...i'm hoping that its me...but you know..Whatever..

I'm ready to get out of school... its time for me to go...Spring ball is going to be my night..it has to be...idgaf about anyone or anything else...its gonna be all about CHANTEL!! hair make-up and all...gotta be...Fuck it ...I'm going in...

My mother is my heart...and so i my cousin...i love her really...shes my everything..everything that i want to be and want to do for my life shes doing...and it makes me smile to think that if i needed inspiration that shes it...all the way...love her..Oh.Dee...anyways..

Outtie 5 thousie!

Chantel This time!

Random Newness...lol

Well...it has been a really long time since i've been on here and spilled my words on this flowing river of words we call the internet...

Anyway..so....
Jason....Dying off slowly...lol BLAH whatever...
Rosa...killed herself off of my syndicated tv show...
Greg...A new character...that seems to love me in a matter of hours...I mean you know...i do have that kind of affect on people...lol BUT what is it about me that could make people fall for me so quickly....
that makes them so comfortable with me....that helps them be themselves...i dont know but i damn sure need to kind of find out..but maybe i dont...maybe me being oblivious to it makes it that much better..
I've met someone before that has explained to me that she was with her first husband for like 3yrs before they got married...and they're divorced...after 6 months...and she then after that met her current husband...and they dated for 3 months and got married...and told no one...and they've been together for 5 yrs...whats that about?...i feel like sometimes you just know...maybe thats gregs thing...like he just knows...he's extremely smart for a 20 yr old. and has so many things accomplished also...he wants the things that i want...and yearns for them...idk whats going on with my heart...i'm fighting him....and his emotions right now...because i want to get to know him...better than what i do already...whatever...blah...blah...blah...I'm just gonna go with the flow of things...and see where they lead me...it could lead me into holy matrimony..lol or it could lead me to being alone once again....which is what i possibly need....

Blah!!!! whatever!!!
anyways....
I'm out...I'm not gonna worry about the small things anymore...I'm His Booberry...lol
Latersz alligators...

so many things that are needed to be said....i feel like screaming...there is no other feeling than that.
My head is killing me,my headache is pretty bad...
i think he really wants to be with mefor the rest of his life. hes been clinging to me for the past few days...up underneath me pretty bad..he wouldnt let me sleep last night and this morning...

my neck hurts now...idk why...i hate this...whatev's (lol got that from sharda') by the way shes really cool....dig her...just a bit...shhhhh...dont tell nobody though...lol im out of here...im sleepy...and i need some sleep....

Good Night All....

Cherrelle....only for tonight

blank title bar...

well.. havent decided what i'm feeling right now...

i feel great seriously i do...but it also seems like my hearts not in whatever i'm going thru...i dont know what that means ...lol wow...my brain is scattered...

sat in the hospital with him last night.that sickle cell shit fucks me up, i want to be able to help the pain, but even when i rub him the pain still stays i dont understand it.


i didnt feel anything. i didnt allow myself to. i tired of that situation. so i've decided to be done with it.


jason. has become an asshole.

i've figured out why i dont want to leave him.

i dont want to leave him and have nothing. like no love. no compassion. but i think he blocking my blessings. but i havent come to that complete conclusion yet.i dont know what to think of it anymore.

i want so badly for things to get better in my life and i think they are progressively..thanks god.

i think that i've been robbed of a religion. or a choice. i'm not very "churchy" or very religious...my family is but not really.it was forced when i was little and i enjoyed it. but as i got older my mother never forced it. and it was never a "oh you have to go" thing. and i feel lost... i dont know what to do.

all i can do is pray.and continue to ask for some sort of guidance.

i wanna cut my hair. but i wanna add something to it for a while before i decide to do that.

eye.dee.kay...

anyways...so i got my phone...its cute...i really wanted the blackberry but whatever...maybe i'll upgrade later in life.

i'm proud of my personal growth. and the things that i've learned about me. i think that this is what i needed before i decided to do the thing that i was thinking about doing before i came to school.

I need to start going to class more. i really do.
i'm just tryin to get used to this change and growth feeling.
whatever.
My life my time...
God puts people in your life when he feels they're needed.

this person from my past really has changed. and wants me to see so bad.
but i'm not really feeling that right now.
i'm in my life alone.
no one but me...
i need to get used to that feeling.
i need to get a tighter grasp on my emotions.
cause like i told a friend
i'm the spokesperson for it. really.
anyways. i need to wash clothes and my ass...
i'm going...


p.s.- i use the "dots" alot and i wonder how i started doing that...
whatever...

my bff also just walked in with michelle this is really my crew...me, bunni, adrienne, and 'chellie gotta love them...


good night all.

Children

to me are the most precious thing on this earth until they turn 17-18 and then they think that they can pretty much do what they want and no one can tell them anything...lol i remember that age.
Anyway...

My current significant other and i just recently decided that we wanted to talk about children, which took a turn for the worst for me. I've known him for 4 yrs and counting(very slowly) but as many times that we've been in and out of a relationship the conversation of children never came up *surprisingly...* until yesterday.

He received a text message from a "friend" that asked"If your one of your children was gay would you be mad?" He then proceeded to scream and rant and say "hell yea"...and then on to say that he would "kill his son" and "put him out of his misery" which at that point disturbed my soul to the point of no return.

In my mind all i could think was,"how could that thought even come across your mind?" and"how can you think of your children and say that YOU want to physically kill them?"what kind of person would that make you? Would that make you a better parent?.and in his eyes he believes that he would be a great parent for"doing that for his son".

If anyone could have heard the coldness in his voice, it gave me chills. it felt like i was on the phone with a mass murderer. I hate feeling like i cant say what i want to someone that I'm with. and at that point i felt uncomfortable as fuck. and that i couldn't say shit.

He wants so much to love me..but you couldn't love OUR gay children?...what kind of man are you is all i could ask.
what could even begin to possess you to say a thing like that?..
i don't even understand...
maybe its me and the way that i was raised.
but i don't feel like he should any longer be a part of my life behind that...
i took offense to it because i myself LOVE WOMEN and he knows this..so for him to say that...appalls me...
my soul is still very much disturbed....

Maybe at this point its god telling me to leave him alone.

my roommate is pissing me off and she supposed to be my bff... but shes just feeling herself a little too much tonight... I'm gonna let her live tonight because I'm REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD like really... and shes hitting all the right fucked up spots...and I'm not into it tonight...at all...
well...


I'm off now...

Cherrelle tonight..


p.s.-awesome is really awesome to me now...like really awesome...lol :-D

is there any such thing as bus lag...

Well,

Just came back from limestone college in NC...i guess...my mind is in a million places right now...
I'm thinking of the man that i love...and that loves me...but my mind is wandering to a place about someone else...someone that i shouldn't even be thinking about like that...

Its weird..like I've only known this person for a little while now...maybe a few weeks...
if that..
uhm...

They're really cool...i dig the personality of this person ALOT...we have alot of things in common and we have a great conversation...from what i think...and idk...it feels weird to think i like someone...whatever...

anyways...I'm still trying to get over this damn cold...

its in my chest now...and i HATE THAT...ohdee...

i cant wait to go home so my mommy can take care of me...YAY MOMMY!!! lol loser i know...

Damn this shit is ill...i don't know people...but i tend to think i like someone that I've only known a little while...UGH!!!
ANYWAYS...
and just lately I've been anticipating getting back to my room to talk to this person...almost daily unless I'm not in the mood for people...and even then i feel comfortable enough to talk to them about my issues...
whatever...maybe its my mind playing tricks on me...

good night all...sleep good everyone...

Chantel...

P.S.- Damn Chris brown for laying the pimp hand down on rihanna...lol

Just Me and my cold...

There is nothing that i can do at the moment...but be myself...i'm not too sure if this thing with this man is going to work...he's not doing anything for me...he's doing nothing for us. Period. that i know of.
he tells me all the time that this is going to work...because he's been in love with me since day one...





She posted some new pictures on myspace. I'm Still in love with her. damn. she still lights up my life damn...i love her...until the casket drops. period.



She has my life in her hands...all she has to do is say "i want to do this right and for real with you this time...but i dont know whatever...she'll never say that...so i'm not gonna get my hopes up...

i dont know what to think any longer... my brain is on freeze...this cold is killing me...i have to sing at this damn gala tomorrow...and i have to sing at this damn homecoming... i dont know what i'm gonna do...

whatever...

Peace all...

Chantel..

shouldnt i be loving me more?

damn...i dont know if i should love me more or not...i'm tryin to understand why i dont love me more...and why i dont believe that anyone could love me the way that i love me.

damn do i love me?...do i make things easy for myself?...do i make shit hard because i dont want to be hurt?..i've been told that i'm mean to people that like me for the past few days...i dont want anyone to think that i'm mean or an asshole...
I know of a few people that like me ...that have shown me that they like me...but i have a feeling that if i put my time into that, i wont get shit out of it but heartache.

i dont know what to think of love, or loving me...i dont know ...i guess that the person that loves me only loves me to kill time...but i dont know...

someone kissed me last night...

lol and i'm still in shock...VERY MUCH IN SHOCK i dont know why
whatever...

i'm done...i have to be for right now...

Chantel

killing me softly...

Well what a day this has been...and the past few days...today i cried for the first time in a really long time.
I dont usually talk to anyone about my past...and the things that have happened to me...either that or no one is there to listen...and now that i realize that i have some issues to sort out, i think i'll get on it..but when is the question?...The conversation that i had today shaped alot of things in my mind. it helped me to slightly understand that the things in my past would have left most unstable and weak..but these things have made me strong and very stable.

I want cosby.
Period.
And i think that i have the perfect person to give it to me.
and that person just might do the job.
i'm hoping that they will.
I love you j.b.g.
always and forever.

anyways. in other black news...

**wow**
My best friend jonathan just called...
His grandmother passed away about an hour ago...
Damn...R.I.P. i didnt know who she was...but i know she was very special to him...

I love you jonathan and i'm going to keep you in my prayers.

i think thats the end...
For tonight.
Good Night all and god bless...

to be real, got to be real...

Well,
its been a few days since i've written, and i've tried to stay afloat in my feelings...but damn its hard..and the more i try the harder things get for me and the things that are going on...

Oh!.. i finally took my nails off!! thank god!! it feels great to be able to feel my actual fingernails...lol random i know.

watching this choir dance is hilarious...like really...MY choir..lol what a bunch of lames..lol wow...

my campus friend- the feeling is gone...they no longer catch my interest...its not there anymore...
well for me anyway...

the hospital love...well... that one just seems to come and go with feelings with me...i see them daily but the feelings that are there make me feel like an asshole for liking them I want so badly for me not to have any kind of feeling in my heart for them...but it seems like i cant escape it...WHY LORD!! WHY LOL

maybe its the fact that there are things attached to me;that are attached to we....what is this...the very touch of this person sends me to another place...whatever...

My Phone is still not here... I WANT MY BLACKBERRY!!! OH.EM.GEE!!!

i want some ice cream...a vanilla cone from mcdonalds...lol..oooooo....ice cream...ooooo...lol


I miss my mom...
alot...
like a whole lot...

i miss my sister...

alot..

My specialness went away when my father left...and i dont want to work to be special anymore..

Chantel....

Just Friends...

When will we get the time to be just friends?...Great song...

amy always soothes my soul...leaves my mind thinking..and my soul wandering...

i sat down in my eng. class and wrote down most of the things that were going on in my mind...and this is what i've come up with:

My life is mine...*damn love is a losing game is playing now...wow..thought change*...

To know me...literally is to love me...and it doesnt get any better than me...like really...not to be on my own shit, but to be on my own shit, I'm the shit..lol like really...and i know that me loving even the assholish of assholes will make them think damn, this bitch really does give a fuck...

all i ever tell anyone is"all i can be is me..take it or leave it.." and that always seems to in the long run, bring a surmountable amount of people to want to be friends with me...i love the fact that i can have that affect on someones life...just by being myself...

I'm dying my hair jet black again...it makes me look FABULOUS!!

i'm being a bitch this evening...idk why..i just am...whatever...

So my main squeeze decided to call this evening after i called last night at 12:06 and asked to be called back...i just got a call back this evening at about 930-945...i think in my mind that im done with them...its a wrap for me...well in my mind anyways...

I've learned to love me more...a whole lot more....

80% 20% rule...damn what a great rule...

I'm Out...

Cherrelle...

Why Random?

Well what a lovely evening and day that this has been...

First- i find out that someone i used to like 3 yrs ago, thinks that they fucked up and want to do it over..they want to "do it right this time" lol wow...my question is should i let them?...like really,

Second- a very very good friend of mine told me that they liked me..and still do...and asked me if i ever thought about me and them seriously getting together...lol hell yea i used to think about it...i miss them with just the thought...of them being here...makes me smile..lol :-D oh.dee.lol

Third-i still have this great person on campus that i would be able to see daily...but will i see them when i leave here is the question...

and last but not least...my likkle main squeeze is acting like an asshole...and why should i follow them up and the pattern is going how it normally does...just waiting for the first real lie to come out their mouth...

I'm a good woman...but i dont want people to have to wait until late in life to realize that i was always the better choice...all that extra grief you get from the next bitch you wont get from me...but whatever...I tried to told you..lol is all i can ever say...but

i'm tired of showing you the way to my heart and you lose the directions on your way in...i only give them out once.

Enteeways...

My Best friend is conversing with someone that i feel in my heart is no good for her...i want her to do better than this girl and she and i know that she can...i dont like that this little girl can open her lips to even speak to my bff let alone hold a conversation...but i cant want better my bff than she wants for herself...all i can do is love her and be supportive...

Anyways...

Love you blog reader

sometimes i just need to vent out random thoughts...and people usually ask..well" Why Random?"

Rubbing my eyes...

cause i'm a little sleepy and i think i have allergies...lol. not too sure as of yet which one it is but its one. been in o-burg for the past 2 nights.got some really good sleep, that was much needed.

its hot in my room..well not really but its hot enough...random..enteeways..


this person, that i had "something" with a little ways back is beginning to notice that i no longer give a fuck, and i think thats bothering them...damn suga...its not that serious....whatever..

there was a game today..and again denmark tech lost..lol wow...never in my life..anyway...i miss my family and i miss my mom..i miss my friends..like alot.!..

from my understanding there is someone also from my past that is looking for me. they're in NY i have no clue what they want from me... like really.. i dont...we'll see when they call... just waiting patiently to see what it is...



Well i think its just allergies that were bothering my eyes...gotta go find some visine or something...

i cant hear the music..

Cause the radio isn't on and i want to get up and cut it on i just don't feel like it..lol lazy i know.

My roommate the one that isn't my best friend is becoming quite rude...slamming doors when I'm asleep, and not being "roommate friendly", and i don't want to have to curse her out just yet, and if i do I'm wrong though?!... nah not even...

I'm still debating on if i should wear sweatpants today...its really cold out and i want to wear something that will keep me warm...

definitely just went through the Cd's and came across some good ole' Jamie foxx...it seems nice..the first time i heard the CD...I'm just gonna let the notes flow through the room and see which ones hit my ears..

still thinking about my conversation with my Internet Buddie...lets just call her awesome... cause i might begin to speak of her often...not too sure yet and if i do then we'll name her awesome...yea..that fits her...

en.tee..ways...

My clock is really bright at night..i thought that clocks were supposed to be sleep friendly..and not keep you up at night...but that bright ass blue neon light keeps me up to the point of where i cant sleep and i have to cover it with something...that suck cause if i roll over in the middle of the night i cant just look at the clock i have to move whatever it is that covered it with and then be blinded by the light that might disturb my initial sleep in the first place...so i don't look at the time until i wake my ass up.. lol

I wonder sometimes what really makes people like me...like what makes me cool?...what makes someone what to be around me...and what makes them feel like they HAVE to be my friend.
I'm not that popular...that i would think...I'm a lame..lol i like to do shit that regular cool kids don't like to do..like watch the golden girls...and Frasier...and i love Seinfeld and basketball... like I'm so in love with basketball and regular girls don't.. i guess..lol

Maybe that makes me irregular...hey..whatever..it just might and I'm content with that...

I'm gonna guess that I'm gonna go and get dressed now...
Smooch Deuces...

Chantel..for now..

The saga begins here...

Well, its def. 4:36 in the morning...and i have no idea as to why i'm up still, i NEED REST!! lol

I'm beginning this thing because i've always wanted to and now that i have the opportunity to do so i'm going to...it was a very interesting evening.

i began a conversation with an friend that i met online...shes really cool. damn near too cool she likes to color...and shes got this love affair going on with sneakers like I...damn..she cooks too and bakes...you make the weirdest friends at the weirdest times...i know i do..

anteeways...

i miss my mommy oh.dee.
cant wait to go home...and i cant wait to take these damn nails off too..its becoming to difficult to type...

no class tomorrow..well today and i'm so glad...nothing on tuesday and thursdy until feb...
the shit!!
anyways i think my sleep just kicked in...

I'm going now...my ear is bothering me...i dont know why...whatever

Sleep good all..

Chantel